37. About Caring: Just Shut Up and Listen

"Remember when we were in high school and laughed at the idea of this? Never thought it would happen to me. We thought we were invincible... we were idiots." I sat across the table from my friend not knowing what to say. I longed to tell him that I understood what he is going through, but I'm simply not young enough anymore to be that arrogant. I have experienced bad relationships, have been used and discarded for someone else. But never by a wife.

I was met by a silent cacophony of thought as I picked at my sandwich, attempting to muster an appropriate response. I could relate to my friend on so many levels, but at the same time was unable to articulate this. I looked longingly at the crushed ice in my cup and wished the waitress had been more attentive. I needed something to occupy my mouth. Luckily for me the brief silence was broken as he switched thoughts. "I still trust God. That hasn't changed and won't. It's people that I'm having trouble with. I don't want to trust anyone right now." I felt my brow furrow as his eyes became misty. This great man who led me to God had done nothing to warrant this pain. I despised seeing it. Again, I could relate. Alleviating the tension, we solemnly smirked as we resolved to believe that not all women are evil - despite what we'd each seen.

I felt my mind split in two as I both paid attention to him and began recalling my own past. Then the pasts of others I'd known. Last summer my mother's husband left her after 10 years. A friend of mine half a country away has been subjugated to witnessing her own parents' marriage crumble after 20 years. I sent her a message today reiterating the hope my good friend and I came to: not all women are evil. She reminded me of what I've always known and fully admit. "No no. Not all women are evil. But a lot of women are wounded and suffer from filling legitimate needs in illegitimate ways." This is true for both genders. I've done it. Yet it is no excuse, and sometimes isn't the whole story.

Four days ago a broken hearted man filed for divorce. A couple days later he drove across two states to a new life. Today he sat in a little restaurant with me, commenting on how fast and unexpectedly and completely life can change. There is nothing that he said that I didn't agree with and understand, as best I know how. Sometimes people make decisions in life and try as we might we eventually realize that we must accept their choices and move forward. Today I saw a brief moment of a great man doing just that. Again, I've never been married but I can empathize with his situation. That and friendship are all I had to offer. There are situations when there are no words to say. All we can do is shut up, listen, and care. Unprompted, this is exactly what my friend said he needed right now - friends who are removed from the situation and can help him just keep living life.

Without him saying it I instinctively knew of the countless nights of confusion and tears, speculation and sleeplessness, depression and doubt. I'd like to think that he understands my perspective. Either way I empathize as best I can and hope it helps. As I departed it was he who quoted the words of C.S. Lewis, "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." This man truly inspires me.

Today's gift is not complicated. Simply learn when to shut up, listen, and care. We humans, men in particular, have a tendency to try to set things right. Sometimes we simply can't. That's okay. Today this truth was reinforced in a heart-wrenching and unexpected way.