Why You Do the Things You Do by Tim Clinton & Gary Sibcy

This is a book that I read for my marriage counseling class. Despite being assigned reading, I am sincerely glad that I read it and now own a copy of it. I highly and emphatically recommend it to anyone and everyone - regardless of their relationship status. I took away more from it than I ever anticipated.

The premise of this book is not a matter of deciphering what, in any certain circumstance, causes quarrels between you and another. Rather it's aim is to help the reader to understand himself on a deeper, more personality-centered level in order to reveal why certain reactions occur within. More importantly it addresses that there are almost always events and triggers from the past that, if worked through, can help anyone feel more comfortable & secure relating to others.

Forgive the following rough synopsis of the lessons, as I may not be great at explaining. Though, I do hope to intrigue you enough to read this yourself.

Dr. Clinton and Dr. Sibcy have taken years of study to deduce that people fall into one of four relationship styles: secure, avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized. These groupings are determined by two main factors: a persons view of themselves & their view of others as it pertains to their natural need for love/acceptance and ability to have that need fulfilled. Those in the avoidant style category see themselves as worthy of love, but others as unable to satisfy that need. As such they generally adopt an attitude of self-reliance, pushing others away and attempting to fill the need themselves. Ambivalent people are the opposite: they do not believe they are worthy of keeping anyone's love, but do believe that others are capable of giving it. They live in a constant state of worry about losing those they care for and often are clingy or needy. Disorganized types have trouble viewing themselves as worthy of love, and doubt the ability of others to give it. They will often start to trust one or the other, sometimes both, but tend to give up at the first sign of trouble. These people experience a varied mixture of the aspects of avoidant and ambivalent types, and their challenges are complicated as such. Secure types have a proper view of both self worth, and of others. This is the goal for everyone to reach - which is possible.

I can't go into all of the details of the book here, but rest assured that it covers many main topics such as abandonment, hardness, forgiveness, etc. It also helps to see how your relationship with your parents, specifically your mother, when you were a young child is a strong influence on which of these types you develop into. The good news is that they go into detail about how to work through and overcome many of those things, and to walk forward with a proper mindset and secure relationships.

This book was pretty eye opening for me. I know that the way I've explained it might make it sound like common sense to some, but it is much deeper than just this. While I won't say that by finishing the last page I am now instantly enjoying great relationships with everyone, I'm noticing so many little things that I and others do and am able to react extremely well and positively. Personally, I think everyone should read this book. What's the worst that could happen?