6. Admission of Inadequacy

You cannot run away from a weakness; you must some time fight it out or perish; and if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?

                    - Robert Louis Stevenson

When I was 14 years old, I found out a truth about myself that I did not want to believe, and that I shared with no one. I have been in denial and avoidance of it for almost 12 years. I have only just recently begun to see how much this has negatively impacted my life. Gift number six is admission of this weakness and a decision to not be ashamed of it anymore. So what's my big juicy secret?

I am dyslexic.

Yeah, I know. Not that big of a deal, millions of people have it. But the thing is, I didn't know that. I didn't exactly grow up in a rich setting. Lower-middle class was a pipe dream. Along with this life came many things - including a very strong emphasis on the importance of education, being smart, and making something of yourself so you can have a better life. In class I'd always noticed that it took me longer to read anything than the other kids - but once done I could process it twice as fast, so it didn't matter. I wish I'd been able to keep this mindset.

My 12 Year Secret

When I found out that I was dyslexic, I was crushed. Slowly, I started to believe that I would always be intrinsically dumb. I started to forsake any reading that was not required, despite the fact that I enjoyed it. It affected me in many other ways as well, almost entirely because of my denial. I remained voluntarily ignorant even though I still exhibit many of the symptoms. My family has never even known - it was a testing done at my school only to determine statistics. They didn't even bother to inform parents. Yet another beef I have with our nation's failing public education system.

Today, after years of frustration, I've decided to come clean with myself - and anyone who is still with me. Here is the interesting thing: I only have mild dyslexia. What does that mean? In a nutshell, I have to read every single word [translate: I'm unable to use speed reading techniques] and can read at a maximum speed of about 70-75% of what the average person can. If I try to read faster I either begin transposing words or lose ability to retain content. Despite this, it really isn't that debilitating in and of itself. The problem was how I saw it, and myself.

For 12 years I've been held back not by my mild disadvantage but by the fact I have been afraid and ashamed of it. I've squandered and passed over opportunities because of this. No more. And who knows? Maybe one day I'll figure out a technique that helps me read faster. Regardless, I enjoy reading again - even if it does take me longer.